Its 9:16 in the P.M and I am in bed, earphones on, listening to chasing pavements by Adelle. This song hits different when you actually relate. I eagerly wait for the very high notes, those are the ones that get the emotions out of me. Those are the ones that make me press the repeat button over and over again.Those are the notes that make me download more Adelle songs and keep praying for another break up so she can bless us with another album.
Yes, I have already taken dinner, I should be drifting off as of now since I have had a long ass day but I am wide awake. She hits that note again and now I can't hold myself together anymore. I am thinking about you. You who held my hand and said you will never let go.You who looked me in the eye and told me everything will be fine.You who listened to my repeated stories and still laughed just to make me feel better.You.
You who promised to show me the world and boarded the jet alone. You who taught me the value of self love and went ahead to trample on it. You, with your piercing stares and coniving smirk, your slow but sure ways, your true but tough love. You who said you would move mountains for me just so I could see the sunset. You who convinced me that there would be no need to climb the mountains as long as you are here.You.
You, who fought for me this one time, Oh God, I remember how pissed off I was that you had to start a fight every single time.Then I came to understand that it wasn't for me, it was just the alcohol. You who made me experience every high not knowing it would be a low sooner or later. You,who made all the red flags blue because you knew my favourite colour was blue, how brilliant! You, with your well articulated arguments and precise wrap ups.You.
Adelle's song is over now, it was just 3 minutes long and now I have to find another song, I scroll through Beyonce, Billie Eilish, Dua Lipa, Sia and finally settle on faded by Allan walker, another sad song. I need to stop, I have to stop, I can stop, but I prefer the version of you that I have created in my head now. You are invincible and unstoppable, You have superpowers, You can teleport, you can fly and I can dress you in almost anything. The fact that I can change you to whatever version I deem fit, just like in a video game, gives me a sense of control.You have no idea how this makes me feel.Elated is an understatement.You are malleable now. I am incharge now.Me.
Tonight, I honestly feel like dressing you in rugged clothes, a cross on your shoulder and thorns on your head, just like Jesus.I am trying so hard not to sound blasphemous here but for a moment, you were just like him. You wanted to make everyone better, to carry everyone's cross and you forgot that just like Jesus you eventually get nailed on the cross.I know it hurt like hell. You,with your rugged clothes and bleeding brow, on a closer look you actually aren't like jesus, because if I recall correctly, you didn't save a dying thief or get whipped in silence, you gave up saving people for good and also fought back. But then, its just a video game.We can always go back to your normal khakis, crisp white shirts and clarks, strip you down to who you actually are, you.
I switch of the music,unplug my earphones, and its actually past my bedtime.I would say that I miss you but at this particular moment I honestly miss sleep more.I will choose to sleep now, hoping that I won't have to play video games anymore. Hoping that I would not have to listen to sad songs anymore.Hoping that tommorow I will be in control again.Me.