I have failed, this is not what I wanted, or rather how I wanted it. As a creative and I say this having been involved in tasks that could be labeled as creative I always play things and scenarios in my mind before bringing them to life. There is a way I want someone to talk, react or view my work, and if it doesn't go as planned I beat myself over it. I call it failure, some may call it imposter syndrome, life, a lesson or even a mile stone to me it simply is failure.
I haven't written in a month, maybe more, those are four articles not articulated, Those are wild thoughts incapsulated. I knew I would not be perfect or rather my writing. A mean reaction here, a dissatisfied gruntle there, a bad review once in a while, unhealthy critiques, those I actually saw coming. I knew I would get over them. But not writing? skipping a week , then two weeks, then three weeks, then a month. That I hadn't seen coming , I hadn't conceived the fact that I could fail to write, yet here we are.
I don't know why I cannot pinpoint the particular reason for my inconsistency, but I will tell you why I started this blog, opinionated. It's me basically, very loud, I like to be heard, to be seen and to be opinionated in every single way, call it attention if you will. It has gotten me to places as much as it has gotten me kicked out of some. It's an unpredictable risk, to be opinionated.
The goal was/is to get as many more, more readers, more leaders, more women, even men to join the caravan. To be transformed, to speak out more to say something, anything even if it was nothing, just say it. And if I could have achieved that, then I would sleep better at night knowing the goal has been met, the impact has been made. Need I write more?
During covid I got recruited for this kazi mtaani programme , worked for a while and then school came knocking, I dropped everything and passed the mantle to my sister now that I had to go back to learner's mode. But, the payment details were still mine and I technically got all the money while she did all the work. I remember asking her how much of the cut she wanted and she could not come up with a figure. (Never do this to me, I am so indecisive it hurts). Nevertheless I suggested a common figure which is 50-50 and she agreed to it. Till last week when she didn't and asked for more.
Listen guys, my sister is the cutest little patootie you will ever meet, she is lovable, humble, ten times prettier and has this aura of ladylikenes around her. The exact opposite of me, She is timid, shy, but not naive. I did not see that coming, her asking for more. She did all the work anyway so logically she deserves more. And then it hits me. She has changed, previously, she would never ask for a pay rise, this was new. Have my writings had an impact on her? (yes she reads all of them). She speaks out more now, she stands her ground more now, she asked for a raise for crissakes!!! All I saw then, all I see now is impact.
I have had other experiences too livid to pen down, but this particular one with my sister just confirmed one thing, I was wrong by thinking that as long as I have impacted one, then my work here is done.
We still have much more to be done, more articles to articulate, more experiences to narrate, more timid souls to speak up, more feet to be put forward. More voices to be loud, heard and seen.
With that being said, I am back baby! On popular demand too. I am not a failure I am an impact maker.